As for birth control, my husband stepped up to the plate and had a vasectomy. This wound up being emotional for me, which I wrote about here —> Lucky Number THREE, but luckily (and more importantly) it wasn’t painful for him. As in, it was a 4-percocet recovery. The interesting thing about the ol’ snip-snip was that we were advised to use protection for the first 20-30 times we had sex, until they could be sure he was sterile.

Again, I can’t emphasize how happy I am to be rid of the Mirena. I know it works for some women, but I’m just not one of them. Sure I’m still bummed that I sunk $600 cash for it in the first place, and then lost a years worth of emotions to it and was probably a crap mom/wife during that time, but it feels AMAZING to be back.

I knew that depression was usually either hormonal or situational. Current feelings aside, I was very happy situationally. That left hormonally. I’d never done well with other birth control (pills, ring, patch) as they always depleted my sex drive, but I’d never responded with depression. So I went through my blog, reading over the last year and figured it was the freakin’ Mirena.

So, short story long I decided to have the Mirena removed. My Doctor tried to talk me out of it, seeing as how it was super effective and had four years left on it. He pointed out that research hadn’t proved that the Mirena caused depression. I thanked him and told him I’d take my chances.

While the insertion was painful, the removal was completely painless. It literally went like this:

DOCTOR: Cough.

ME: (cough)

DOCTOR: Okay, done.

He told me I’d have a period in 28 days. But by 28 days he must have meant the next day, because I woke up with cramps and the heaviest flow I’ve ever experienced.

But the depression lifted almost immediately. 6 weeks and 2 periods later and it still hasn’t returned.  I’ll take it.

Dear Mirena – thanks for not letting me get pregnant. Of course, that might have been because I spent the first six months bleeding and the next six depressed. It’s hard to say…

Something good to report without any caveats.

Month number seven came and went. No cramps. No crazy emotions. No depression. No pains. Nothing. The bleeding, while it extended 8 or 9 days, was so light that I really only needed a light pad. And frankly, I was so happy about not being depressed that I didn’t care how long it lasted.

Yay for month number 7!

No more random bleeding or gunkiness.

No pain or discomfort; I can’t feel it at all. (My husband can’t either.)

No menstrual cramping. This is a big deal because I used to have to take arthritis medication for cramps. Now- nothing.

The period itself, with a super-duper light flow, lasts 6-7 days.

The only downside is that for a few days before and after the start of my period I am completely depressed. I hate it. I’ve never dealt with PMS before this, so it’s taken the last six months to get used to such a hormonal drop. It’s really hard. Especially since I have the two kids to deal with.

But it’s just the two kids.

I’m not pregnant.

And for right now, that’s good enough.

The good news is that I didn’t bleed the entire month, I’d say it was closer to 1.5 weeks on, 2.5 weeks off. This was nice for many reasons, most importantly because I was sick of being called, “Bloody Mary.”

With that much (consecutive) time period-less, I felt it was time to take the Mirena for a spin.

The spin was very short and led directly to the bad news.

My husband could feel the strings, which he was convinced would decapitate him.

F-ing Mirena.

So I made my follow-up appointment with the plan to have the strings cut.

TWO (my one-year-old) and I made it to the office early, which turned out to be the last good thing to happen until we left.

They made us wait an hour. AN HOUR. Most of which, for me, was spent clutching a paper gown behind my back and trying to keep my kid from playing with the pap smear tools.

She had great fun with this:

and this:

Which was just wrong on so many levels.

But I could only get her off of it so many times before she kicked my gown to shreds. By the time the doctor entered the room it looked like I was wearing a grass skirt.

From that point things just kind of skidded out of control.

The doctor said the bleeding could go on for six months, but chances were that after that I wouldn’t get a period for the next 4.5 years. Right. He also said that cutting the strings would make it harder to remove the Mirena. Before I could give that any consideration…

TWO started to wail. WAIL. The nurse handed her graham crackers, but TWO wanted me. The doctor became very uncomfortable and started to twitch while he pulled out the scissors.

DOCTOR: Nurse? Why can’t you quiet her? Don’t you have grandchildren?

NURSE: My son is 13.

DOCTOR: Can’t you hold her or something?

ME: Hello?

The doctor cut the strings…and handed one to me. Uhh…

The doctor “dropped” the other string and then said, “Oh, I lost a string in your vagina. Nurse?”

The nurse abandoned TWO, who almost flipped the umbrella stroller forward in her attempt to walk towards me. The nurse pushed the (very warm) light so close to my skin that I was afraid to breathe.

The doctor dug around for a little while and finally said, Oh well, it’ll fall out eventually.

Then he wrote me a perscription for a SECOND birth control in case the bleeding from the Mirena didn’t stop.

Because more hormones would be a GREAT idea. Just ask my family three days before my period when I flip from staring at the wall to crying to being suspicious to yelling.

On a good note, because there is one, is that heading into month 4 my period lasted less than one week. 5 days and it’s GONE.

So maybe he was right. Which is easier to believe now that he’s no longer twitching and pointing scissors where scissors don’t belong…

And even though she’s a legendary singer/songwriter, she’s never had the pleasure of the Mirena. So I’ve decided to submit my personal expertise for lyrical consideration. (I’ve even included some storyboard ideas.)

Picture a woman on a swing, in the air on a Ferris wheel, and running down the beach chasing a dog. You know, big smile, hair whipping around her no-breakout face. Realistically portraying the whole Mirena experience.

Cue: Chorus (as sung by the Mirena)

You in-sert me in-side
And you know wherever you are
You’ll be bleed-ing, everything that you’ve got
Winter, fall, summer or spring
You may never feel a thing
‘Cause you’ll be avoided
‘Cause you’ll be a biiiitch.

* * *

So let’s just say that after yet another call to the doctor’s they FINALLY told me that I might bleed for three cycles before things level out.

WHY couldn’t they tell me this before? Good question.

My guess is that they tell you the best case side effects only. And then ease you into the truth on a need-to-know basis. I wonder how many women don’t need to know…

In the meantime, I think I got my second period. I mean, it’s hard to tell. But like last month, other than an increase in bleeding and some ill-placed zits, there was zero cramping. Zero pain. Which was nice.

And the least they could do…

For instance, I usually get hits for “Mirena” or “United Health Care coverage for Mirena” or “Mirena stories.”

Today I got a hit for “infested vagina.” Someone actually typed “infested vagina” into Google and got linked to my site.

I guess it’s fair.

Infested seems like a good word.

Because in the 56 days since I got the Mirena, I’ve only had 5 without blood or gunk.

5.

I’m calling the doctor again.

I mean, I’m not in pain. I’m not suffering any other side effects. They said this would happen for a few weeks. But I’m not convinced 56 days = “a few.”

…for someone else.

A friend of mine has had the Mirena for two months and quote, “So far Ms. Mirena has been pretty good to me.  But in all fairness I’m still nursing so I think I may have cheated a little bit.  I get an occasional surprise but nothing like what you’ve had.”

No, I don’t think it’s the nursing. Nor do I think she got a placebo. Some bodies like this thing, and others SUCK.

I’m not hatin’ on her, I swear. I’m glad that she and the two other women who love this thing share their good stories because it’s important to know that stuff too.

Me, on the other hand…I have come to realize that I had the Mirena-cycle backwards.  Had I known this was how it would go, I could have saved myself hours of complaining and general pissed-off-ness.

I had 4+ weeks of bleeding (and/or gunk in the trunk), 1 week of beautiful nothingness and then got my period again.

AGAIN.

So perhaps this is how Mirena will keep me from bearing another child. It will slowly bleed me out.

AND, during my Week of Nothingness I realized that I have inherited a, how you say, DRYLANDS? Parched and thirsty nether regions. Just like in the movies.

Hot.

There is a positive, though.

(Really, there is.)

My latest period actually sneaked up on me without ANY cramping or period-like indicator at all. (And I used to have to take arthritis medication for the severity of my cramps.)

So.

I will carry on.

But still…

So, GOOD NEWS! Yesterday, exactly one month after insertion the bleeding FINALLY stopped. And it’s stopped for two days now, so I’ve decided to believe that it’s done. Until a period. But that’s fine.

Overall, the month was draining. And I’ll admit this here (and only here because this part of my blog is only visited by people interested in the Mirena) the best way to describe the way this last month felt was the way Stephanie Meyer alludes to the inner workings of a newborn vampire. Hormones are entirely out of control, emotions are bi-polar and blood is everywhere. I often felt like I was going crazy and had zero control. All of that, but no hot vampires. (And FYI – I’m now reading “Love in the Time of Cholera” by Gabriel Garcia Marquez as penance for consuming all of the vampire books in one week’s time.)

But the last week was good. I feel back to myself and now that the bleeding has stopped I feel kind of normal. And most important, I have a wonderful peace because I’m not worrying about pregnancy. Which was really important to my mental well being.

So to make it interesting, I’ve decided to see if I can beat my personal best of bleeding/spotting for 6 weeks. Of course this followed a pregnancy, but whatever.

On a positive note, no more anxiety, no physical discomfort and no hormonal issues this week.